Justice! Just us? Just me without you.

Have you ever had an experience and you honestly need to talk to someone? It sits inside you and festers, reaching it's arms out and expanding through your organs, taking over your blood stream until it consumes you. A hollow existence. You try to tell someone, but it's taken over your limbs, starting with your fingers so that you can't communicate in any way physical, then it takes your facial muscles, striking you useless for anything even remotely close for the telling of important things. You end up sitting alone, feeling your body reject yourself, then wake up hours later feeling sore and sick.
Then you find that the person who caused this travesty upon you is conversing about it to his friends. They consume each word as if it were a rare honey only to be given to the worthy, and then purge everything to the next person who comes into their sight, construing the plot, dramatizing the characters, turning protagonist and antagonist around. All the meanwhile, the person who begun this cycle of lies is sitting back, watching his spider web grow string by sticky string. And the person who's life is ultimately changed? Still sitting in the bedroom with the door locked and wishing their fingers would just type in the right consonants and vowels to let that one person know they want help.

Sucking at the sucky suck fest!

oooh mai gawd someone bomb my baaank. they screwed me overrrr. Fuckinnn first time I ever spend money on ME. and they're all "pay us $60!!!" yaaaay! cause I specifically asked them if I would get charged for spending out of savings. oh nooo miss carter no noooo, neverr. WHAT? you spent out of savings! pay up, bitch!

That's it. I fuckin quit!

And of course the day Im running around like a gulah monster (code for no make up) all my fucking friends see me! what the fuck! and my arm bruised from giving blood. never happened before.

but I lost another size in jeans. fuckin right! Im hot and I rock.

doth thou prefer the -astic? I do.

So I've begun to realize how much I've changed in the course of two months. Actually, I think this began four months ago, when I became disgusted with the person I had been forged into. I can even quote a friend saying how I've "come out of my shell." I've become a lot happier and more outgoing, and I have to say that I blame west side sheetz. If I weren't working there, I would still be isolated from society as I had been for the last two years of my existence.
Although, I do seem to fall back into my previous state of mind from time to time. Blah. Let’s put it this way—if I were schizophrenic, there would be Cait and Caitlin. Caitlin is slooowly leaving, with her timid exterior and terrified-of-everything composure. Good riddance. Wave goodbye!!
I know this is coming out weird, and I don’t mean it to, but I like the new me. I enjoy not being scared of everything, constantly worrying about trifle experiences. III can go into Victoria Secrets. Talk about bravery.
…okay it’s not that brave, but I never could muster up enough bravado to go in there.
And I’m going to end it on that awkward note, because! I had to get it out, annnnd I have to read more Jane Eyre.

How can you act this way when we've barely been introduced?

Okay, I'm starting to feel a smidge put off. I am in dire need of comedy, relaxation and stress relief. I need a good cry, but I’m not going to because that’s fuckin’ lame. SO!! I think I’m gonna go get me something with espresso, make sure my sick friends are feeling okay, and then go see what John is up to, because he rocks me super hardcore nonstop à Woo!! Might chill out with Amber/Billy as well. Cause they’re prettah fun, and I've begun to have a life.

The more you know!

I used to want to be an artist. It's almost funny now. I worked diligently on all sorts of art work, and now I only have three pieces that I can say I truly like. I can't even produce this caliber of art anymore. Not that these are amazing, just that I've lost my touch and now produce mere stick figures with comical speech bubbles. I'm not amazingly sad about this ordeal, though--Just pondering the possibilities I would have been introduced to, had I stayed my course in the art field.




So yeah, Cait tid-bits. enjoy..

Have you the brain worms!?

The sun falls into the earth. Colors fill my eyes and force me to look away from the orb of fire. The heat strokes my skin, whispering through my hair, before the last rays of light kiss the sky. Once enveloped with warmth, I am left abandoned.

yeah..

So today was fun, walking around campus like a zombie all day. Thank you, josh. So what was the highlight of my day? Prooobably becoming physically ill by watching the birthing process in Child Psychology..while texting Ryan (from work) about it. I think I scarred that poor kid for life. I kinda hope I did, because that was a horrible thing to go through alone.
III have boring poetry to read!! So here are the links I promised. Enjoy them.

Giraffe death
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCoaBN6iOu0

Asshat!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vv1ZMUyM0IM

Pathetic, Lame, etc.

Okay, I'm still pretty nervous to post this (butterflies n everything), so don't make fun of me.
I don't really know what else to say...so here it is...

Consolations after uncontrolled emotions

He moves diligently to assure everything is in order
His eyes glance up to meet mine
The look holds for a second, giving intimacy unbeknownst to others
There are large, brown boxes scattered on the floor
They beckon to be opened and rummaged through
So their hidden treasures may be correctly placed and organized
Their sparse knowledge of any emotion profounds
And I feel the urge to dutifully pilfer through the cardboard cubes
Anything to stay in this moment
A kitten unknowingly pounces on a snake,
Like the creeping fear of an untold prophecy
His laugh shakes me from my daze
The simplicity of being together--just opening boxes,
Gives me something to hope for...

Okay, you can point and laugh now. I'm going to go be dramatic…

oh what musings..

I'm going to begin by blaming Josh for this blog. For those who don't know Josh--sucks to be you, man. I was going to use my old journal, which was shared with another, but I couldn't bring myself to erase our messages of love/distrust (depending on how the day was going) of the world.
Just a word of warning--This will be filled with angry posts. I'm good for those...and when I write in anger, my grammar skill depletes. Just muscle through it, you might get a laugh.
All day, I've been trying to pump myself up enough to actually post some writing on here. As of right now, I can't admit to that working, so you'll have to wait for my writing because I'm a big baby.

Note to self--expired white out acts more like melted marshmallow. Throw away white out.