Stop looking at me like I'm broken

I feel him with me,
Moving, breathing,
In sync.
Thoughts slither in my head,
Coiling around my throat,
Dripping venom in my eyes.
I’m scared.
I can’t make them go away.

Stop.

I feel his eyes on me,
They’re flowing with concern.
So he holds me,
Telling me it’s okay.
He’s here for me,
Forever.
But I need him now.
Don’t let go.

I'm happy.

That's all that matters. That's all you need to know.

Reflections of a Bad Night

(This is from two months ago, I just never posted it cause I'm a weenie!! haha)

I lay here under my covers,
Not wanting to move,
To breathe.
I just want to feel warmth against my skin,
Arms around my torso.
I want to hear it will be okay,
‘Cause right now,
It isn’t.
I want this to end.
This growth of darkness in my chest,
Pulling at my insides,
And twisting them into pain.
I feel dirty,
Disgusting,
But my skin is already raw,
The water’s running cold.
I need to throw up,
But there’s nothing in me.
There’s nothing to me anymore.
I want a shooting star,
A dandelion,
A lucky well,
But all I have is a blanket,
And the sound of my own breath.

From Inside the Rocket Ship

A little green alien sits in his ship,
Orbiting around the Earth.
Rocket ships don't cure lonely,
with their blinking control panels,
and cold, metal rooms.
Maybe someone down there
Could cure his loneliness.
Maybe he would be rejected.
They might hurt him down on Earth,
So he sits in his ship,
Surrounded by nothing.

random strings of thought pulled together to form a tapestry

I almost hit a possum...an opossum? a nasty, giant white rat lookin' creature which is prone to garbage...and disease. you get it. anyways! I don't like 'em, but I don't like killing things either, so I swerved and screamed...like a girl. it was awesome. One of those moments that you're glad you were alone for. On a side note, I think the cough I possessed from a pulled muscle in my chest has grown into an unstoppable force..and I think it's gonna kill me. but I'm not sure. I just know it hurts and 3 doors down still sucks ass and gets on my nerves. oh, and I've written three more poems but Im a chicken and don't want to post them. haha! anyways--this SBC plan for the store meeting isn't going to write itself, so I'm gonna get on that..cause I'm dedicated n shit.

Ass-Hattery

Okay, so I know I'm a good worker and all...but there are other people at the store. I don't know why I have to work eleven hours straight. I'm fucking tiiired. I know this isn't a great complaint cause management goes through...a shit-ton more hours than I do. BUT!! when you stay over for the manager who does 'end of day' early so he can go on time...it gets old. And maybe, just maybe, I want to sleep so I can come back the next day refreshed and ready for the bullshit.
I almost murdered a child today. We had a small rush, so I was bringing out things for Julie and John while they made food. This wormy, white trash little fuck tells me that I 'need to get back to work.' my words to this child? "You think I'm NOT working?" his reply? "I could be back there working!" I saw red. Almost jumped over the counter. Instead of bashing his smart ass head in, I decide to walk away. I already hate kids. Don't tell me what YOU can do, you smug damn 9 year old. I will kill a child!! I will put my foot in your face, damnit!
Omgah, I saw the second manliest thing at sheetz ever. So John is asked (forced) to clock back in to clean the mens room cause the toilet overflowed. wonderful. so he's pissed...So I go back with him to help and to let him leave earlier cause..I'm awesome like that. yeah. anyways. so the door is pushed in past the lock bar...which means it's jammed. So I squeeze through the door/wall and try to push it back out. Doesn't work. John squeezes through and just fuckin kicks the door. Omgah! I was so fuckin impressed. Like, I didn't even think to kick the door. It was Ahmazing. just BAM! door fixed. ...This isn't coming across as awesome and manly as it really was, but it blew my miiind! BAM!! haha.
First manliest thing? I was trying to open a fucking bag-in-box, and because I'm a woman, I couldn't. He just kinda motioned for me to move and punched it. liiiike one punch, the thing's open. fucking awesome. I love when men are all manly. okay, you know those old magazines where they would show a guy who looked like he just chopped wood, all sweaty and rugged and manly? And you look at him like, yes...that is hot and manly. Like these two actions taken by these two guys were equivalent to them chopping wood like a manly man, 'cept these things took me by surprise so I was all omgah!
...anywho...that was my night...

I miss you

I had a dream about you.
You did I what I wished you would do,
And said what I wish you would say.

I was happy.

Then I woke up,
Realized your arms around me
Were really blankets cocooning me.
And your words of adoration,
Were coming from the radio.
So I tried to fall back asleep.
I tried to find you again.
But it didn’t work.
So I laid there,
Just thinking about you
Again.

A Princess’ Tale

Ariel swam to the surface
To find the love of her life.
He turned out to be a fisherman.
She’ll be sold out for dinner for $1.99/lb.

Snow White ate her apple,
And laid down for a long nap.
Waiting for her prince, who forgot about her
Cause he was in the hourly hotel on 6th street.

Rapunzel let her hair down,
Allowing her love to climb up
And keep her prisoner of his fists.
She pushed him out the window,
And faces life in a cell.

Jasmine took his hand for a magical ride
On a carpet for two,
But he forced her into love.
Now she sits in her room all alone,
In a corner with her razor and self loath.

Cinderella went to the ball on her own,
To see the prince of her dreams.
But she stood by the wall,
Watching her prince dance with the others
Till she went home to sleep by the fire place.

(I know this is a weird poem, buuut...I thought it was funny.)

I need to stop reading and play more video games

I've decided to make a real post due to the fact that...This morning has been quite a morning. So I wake up at 3:30 due to a nightmare about zombies trying to eat Gabriel (my brother) and myself. I really need to stop reading zombie books. So I lay in bed till close to four, listening for the impending moan from my undead assailants...because I'm still too tired to use common sense and too freaked out to fall back asleep.
That's when I hear the noises.

It sounds like thumping and scratching on the outside of the house. I tell myself it's just the cats...because that's logical, right? ...So I creep down the hallway with the only weapon I can find in my room, a pen. How wonderfully Cait, I know. (Eye roll) Anyways, I creep down the hall to find both cats passed out on the couch. No one in the house awake besides me, and, from what I can see, nothing outside.

By this time, I'm completely awake, so I opt for a shower and then some Invader Zim before work. Upon my exit from the shower, Cheese is frantically running from the living room to the entrance, looking out the windows. Annnnd I'm in game mode again. Cause I rock. I look outside to find the one responsible for all this trouble. God damnit.

Annnd the raccoons are back. awesome.

Fractions

We stand outside in the night air,
The three of us.
Two inhaling sweet smoke into our lungs.
Two feeling hurt and confused.
Two just trying to solve a problem.
In each equivalent, one oblivious.

How did I mistrust one?
How did I not meet one sooner?
The yellow night lamp matches the moon.

We stand together,
Like three stars in the same galaxy.
Close enough to know,
Far enough to not understand.
And I can't stop thinking about him,

Wondering where I messed up.
Was it when I held his hand?
Was I too girly?
Or was I too myself?
They laugh,
And I forget to laugh with them,
Like I'm not zoned out.
I smile.
I’m still here with them.

Was it when I sat so close to him?
I could use another drink.
So we go inside.
The three of us.
Two having a bud.
Two feeling defeated.
Two trying to find a solution.
In each equivalent, one oblivious.

get your umbrellaaa!!

yaaay emo

From Under the Street Lamp

His eyes find mine,
And I have nowhere to hide.
I’m stuck, sitting in a corner,
As he interrogates my existence here.
I’m like a moth stuck in his spider’s web.
My stomach is turning,
And I’m questioning why I’m here
in the back of my head.
My wings flutter frantically,
As eight legs move his fangs closer.
I stutter out words,
Unsure of the effect they have on my listener.
Isn’t there a hole I can crawl in?
Fangs sink into my flesh,
Sucking out emotion until I’m a vacant corpse
Just hanging in the spider’s web.

don't take this the wrong way

I didn’t mean to surprise him

A flow of happy and anxious fluids rise within me
As he stumbles through the door.
I try to push them down,
But he has this effect on me.

Even after all this time.

I try not to talk too much.
I know how I get around him.
Try to be cool, calm, collected.
Don’t be a dork.
He still looks handsome;
Good thing I decided on make up this morning.

My face burns as I reply to his questions.
And I realize he doesn’t feel the same emotion,
Not even a little bit.

Safe Haven

He holds out his arms,
Inviting my body towards his.
I let out a held breath,
As his arms wrap around my shoulders.

I feel the stubble on his chin
Even through my hair.
And his necklace feels cool
Against my burning cheek.

My eyes closed,
I feel safe here.
Just stay like this a moment longer.
God, please don’t let this end.

But he lets go

And with a wink, walks away.
And I’m left wanting more.

Watching Shooting Stars from Mercury

I want it to rain glitter,
And we’ll twirl through the clouds,
While you whisper up my jaw line
Sweet words of forever.
We’ll live like galaxies,
With star dust on our skin.
We can walk on the rings wrapping planets,
And gaze on what we’ve left behind.
We can sit in silence,
And watch the planets swirl by.
As you hold my hand,
Cause it’s just us now.

Agony thrives under my rib cage

I pull my jacket around me tighter
As I walk away.
This is what’s best for us.

I try to convince myself.

You’re sick,
And I’m in too much pain.
This love is too strained.
So go back to your addictions,
As I go back to my solemn world.
You’ll torture yourself,
Comparing those girls to me.
And I’ll torture myself,
Waiting.

And when I finally dry the tears from my hands,
You’ll show up.
And you’ll be ready,
But I won’t
Because
This love has bled out too long.

Dead birds are gross..

Eyes
Emotionless Eyes
Chained to a gruesome sight.
A little crow, dead
In the sewer grate.
Open beak on a head turned backwards,
An odd position.
Dirty, once ink colored feathers,
Only just hiding the squished body.
Eyes staring at each other,
One set blank,
One set captured at the sight of a body
Without its soul.

"No Children" -- Mountain Goats <- awesome song

Break Up
Think about me while you’re shaving,
Nick yourself as you get angrier.
Talk bad about me to your friends,
Know you’re unsure about this separation.

Get drunk and dedicate the night to me,
Cry to my absence when you throw up.
Play that CD while you try to sleep,
Try not to remember me singing to it.

Wake up and forget I’m not there,
Get angry and throw the pillow at my picture.
Lie in bed and stare at the phone,
Wait for my ringtone to play.

Try to replace me with anything else,
Give up and sit in self pity.
Wonder if I feel the same way you do,
Call me and find out I am.

Untitled
Lace your fingers with my ribcage, break open my chest.
Snake around my heart; inject your venom into me.
Whisper sweet words in my ear, invade my mind.
Leave scars in my head and brand my thoughts.
Enclose me in your barbed wire embrace; carve your name in my arm.
Tear at my skin and try to get under it.
Kiss my lips to quiet me, leave me gasping.
Bite my neck till I bleed, make your mark.
Steal my breath, take the life from me.
Look into my quiet eyes; find your reflection in my view.

Broken Glass

After Sylvia Plath's "Cut"

I enjoy cleaning broken glass,
Anticipating which piece will pierce
My skin as I clean the mess,
Watching red bead on my finger,
Before washing it away.
I like picking roses without gloves,
Feeling the thorns delve into my flesh.
I admire the broken shards,
Reflecting jagged pictures of my face.
The sting of cutting my finger
In place of an onion
Might cause others a shudder.
I anticipate these thrills.

Jocasta

How cruel the fates are,
Using me as a pawn in their game.
How could he be recognized?
I had seen my son only three days,
Before Laius took him away,
Prophecy becomes fact.
With the king's death,
Murderer took his place.
Thebes accepted their new king.
And I, Queen of Thebes, took my new husband.
Was our blasphemous love by choice?
I send my curse on the fates
This, my last resolution;
I will no longer be a pawn.

Murder

Tilt my head to the side. Caress
My unresisting body. Vacant
Eyes, Cringing skin.
Do what you want; You;ve won
Already, I don't fight. Numb
Mind, shallow breath. Stroke gently
Over bruised and battered skin.
Pull back my hair. Internal
Scream, building rage. Whisper softly
My name then issue threats.
Your breath, like fire
On my neck. Each time, killing
Another piece of me.

Storm Window - Conrad Hilberry

Pet Sitting

I
Volunteered
To watch the goldfish
Of John’s, But when I awoke
Golden fins were dulled bronze.
The poor little fish with upturned,
Swollen belly, had glazed vacant
Eyes, and was quick to be smelly.
Sparkling water that once splashed
And churned, had become eerily quiet,
And left me concerned. I had no choice
But to throw him in porcelain bowl,
And dash to the pet store, Flittering
Fish as my goal. I handpicked
A fish, finding a chubby,
Golden twin. The task
Was not easy Due
To a white speck
On the fin. New Fish
Was placed in glass
Basin to roam, Awaiting
His new owner, John, to come home.

"Ballad Beginning with a Line by Robert Bly" R. S. Gwynn

I found this in an old notebook...and this isnt as dirty as it sounds haha

I jump on the bed with everyone else. It's the most comfortable bed I've ever laid on, even with three girls and two guys compressing my body. My head spins as limbs collide and torsos crash like waves; And we indilge others still to join. Everyone's voices encourage the false orgy we conduct. I feel soeone at the foot of the bed, and hold my arms our, welcoming another player to the game.

P.S. I've decided to start writing poems/author for the titles (it's good for you to read poetry, Kevin, proooomise).

Henry Taylor's "Barbed Wire"

Great poem. Really sums up the past few days for me. I can't really explain why, though. So I've been hurt, yet again, by another friend. Let's just lay this out.
This week, my parents left for a week for their anniversary, and I become homesick extremely easily. I can't help it. I become depressed, get sick easily and act irritable and child-like. I don't know why, I just do. And it's horrible. Sooo I asked my friend to come stay with me. I never ask my friends to stay the night. but of course, no she can't. because she's working for 8 days and doing long shifts. This probably wouldn't bother me so much had she not found her 'soul mate' and neglected me since I had come back on the first. But that's unfair--I've been pulling away from her. Why? because she's too busy with her 'soul mate' to do anything with me. on top of that, when we talk, her sentences are flavored with "You don't understand!" constantly repeated (about subjects in which I do have empathy for her). Have I explained through examples how much saying 'you dont understand' to me pisses me off? why yes, I certainly have. So I called my parents in tears (yes, I know how pathetic that is, but fuck off) and explained the whole situation since..I don't want to start drama with the other people involved between us and my brother was out with his friend. so I have today and tomorrow to calm down and relax. except not because I have a shit ton of homework already. thank you, professors. you guys rock at controlling my free time!!

Porphyria's Lover

For almost a month now, I've found that someone has rediscovered something for me. my first thought was to torture the fuck out of him like he did me..but I'm not like that and can't honestly bring myself to do it. Is it so wrong to want to do it though? I know it is, but Im going to lie to myself and say it's healthy. ha. anyways..it's not my fault that he got trashed and emailed me his feelings. Of course it did depress me at first, knowing that six years of emotion was wasted and now that I know I feel nothing past friendship, he wants more. seriously? lame.
he "needs to move past me." Well, let me just say..he wasnt even that awesome of a boyfriend...and I was a good girlfriend to him. so I hope it all equals out. I know that's harsh, but karma.